Exodus 20:12
Today we continue our study of the Ten Commandments.
The Ten Commandments are relevant for us as Christians in three primary ways:
They remind us what God’s moral standards are
They remind us of our desperate need for Jesus
They teach us how to live in a way that pleases our Lord.
So, even though as Christians we are no longer under the Old Testament law (since Christ has fulfilled it for us and brought it to completion), the moral principles of that law are still applicable (most of which are re-stated in the New Testament in various ways), and are greatly beneficial for us as we seek to live in a way that glorifies Christ.
Romans 3:31 Do we then overthrow the law by this faith? By no means! On the contrary, we uphold the law.
So far we’ve looked at the first four commandments, which all deal with our relationship with God.
Today we begin the second subset (the final six commandments) which deal with our relationship with others.
Jesus summarized the entire law into these two components when He said…
Matthew 22:37–40 (ESV): 37…“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Paul, under the influence of the Holy Spirit, reduced it even further:
Galatians 5:14 (ESV): 14 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
John even went so far as to say that having a genuine love for others (especially other believers) is a marker of salvation.
1 John 3:14 (ESV): 14 We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death.
This echoes Jesus’ own words in John 13:
John 13:35 (ESV): 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
There are many more examples.
The point is that loving others is a hallmark of belonging to Christ. The way we treat others is the fail-proof litmus test for whether God’s love truly abides in our hearts.
With that in mind, before I give you the next commandment… just ask yourself: what would I expect to find at the top of the list of commandments related to loving others? What would I expect God to come out of the gate with, to help me begin building a foundation for God-honoring, loving relationships with those around me?
Here it is:
Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.
A call to honor our parents might not be what we’d expect to find at the top of the list of essential ways to show love toward others. Yet that is exactly what we find.
According to God, loving others begins with loving our families. And love within a family begins with the most fundamental relationship, which is that of a child to their parents.
Now, as we’re going to see, this commandment is much deeper, much further reaching, much more profound than just kids obeying their parents with proper respect… It’s much more than that, but it’s not less than that.
And so, I want to start with the most basic meaning of the commandment, show you why it’s essential, and then work our way out to the more profound meanings for example, how it applies not just to kids but also to adults (and so on…), and eventually how this commandment points us to Christ Jesus Himself.
Let’s be honest: this is a countercultural commandment if there ever was one.
It’s trendy in our culture for the younger generation to rebel against the older.
TV shows and movies normalize and even glamourize rebellious teenagers…
Product advertisements and pop culture praise youthfulness and view age as something to be avoided at all costs…
Our culture romanticizes youth and despises the wisdom of old age.
In our society it is basically assumed that kids will talk back to their parents…
But not in God’s kingdom.
According to God’s word…
Old age is a crown of glory (proverbs 16:31)
Wisdom is with those who are aged (Job 12:12)
Older generations are to teach and pass down wisdom (Titus 2)
The Bible depicts age as a blessing and the wisdom of the aged something to be coveted by younger generations.
And so, we have an explicit commandment given by God to start this pattern of respect from the younger to the older at the most basic level: children to parents.
Why is the fifth commandment necessary?
The pragmatism of the fifth commandment makes a whole lot of sense when you think of the context in which it was given.
Remember: The Ten Commandments were not just given to humanity in general; they were originally given by God to a nation of people in order to preserve and protect them, and keep them holy.
And the most fundamental way to sustain and preserve a society is to keep families intact.
In America, the 1960’s were known as a decade of anti-establishment. There was an uprising of young people who were anti-business, anti-government, anti-military, anti-school… but most tragically, many were also anti-family.
One of the participants of the movement summarized it like this:
“The Sixties… were the generation that destroyed the American family. We might not have been able to tear down the state, but the family was closer. We could get our hands on it. And… we believed that the family was the foundation of the state, as well as the collective state of mind… We truly believed that the family had to be torn apart to free love, which alone could heal the damage done when the atom was split to release energy. And the first step was to tear ourselves free from our parents.” -Annie Gottlieb
What makes that statement so chilling is that she’s right: The family IS the foundation of society, and if you want to tear society apart it must begin by turning kids against their parents. As goes families, so goes the nation.
When the family unit breaks down, all sorts of disorder ensues. Just look at the impacts of fatherlessness in poor urban areas.
Fatherless children are about 5 times more likely to live in poverty and 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
Approximately 18.4 million US children (nearly 1 in 4) live without their biological father in the home.
60% of youth suicides are linked to fatherless homes.
Fatherlessness is associated with about 80% higher chance of teen pregnancy
85% of youth in prison come from fatherless homes.
Honestly, the stats for mothers are slightly lower but similarly tragic.
This is not a modern problem; it’s an ancient one. It’s a human problem––a sin problem.
And it’s a problem Jesus came to heal.
At the very end of the Old Testament, in the prophet Malachi, we find this statement in anticipation of the Messiah:
Malachi 4:6 (ESV): 6 And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.”
Of ALL the things we could expect to find at the close of the Old Testament… of all the things the Lord could point us to that would trademark the Messiah’s ministry (and in this case the ministry of John the Baptist as the forerunner of Christ)... we find the promise that there would be a restoration of parent-child relationships.
Do you see how close this is to God’s heart?
And so… it’s no wonder that all those millennia ago, God in His wisdom gave the nation He would use to produce the Messiah (Israel) a commandment that would help preserve the fabric of their nation through honor within the family.
The reason this works: Parents are a child’s first authority.
When children are taught to honor their parents, that pattern of honoring authority continues throughout their lives.
But unfortunately the inverse is also true: where there is dishonor of parents, that pattern of dishonoring authority tends to continue… into marriage, into the workplace, into society in general… and eventually is passed down to their own children… rinse and repeat.
Augustine said it like this:
If anyone fails to honor his parents, is there anyone he will spare? - Augustine
But.. It’s not just about equipping the next generation to be respectful; it’s about equipping them to be capable.
Consider this: If the younger generation can’t honor the older generation, how are they going to learn the critical lessons they need to learn from them?
Parents are to teach their children about what it means to be a responsible member of society, about hard work, about social skills, about respecting others. They are to teach them practical life skills of all kinds to equip them for success. They are responsible for modeling what a healthy marriage looks like, and how to treat their future spouse. All of this and more is on the parent’s shoulders.
Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching (Prov. 1:8).
My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments (Prov. 3:1,2)
Most importantly, parents are to teach their children about the Lord.
In scripture we see that parents should help their children know the Lord through:
Daily teaching:
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."
Loving discipline:
Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Exposing them to scripture:
2 Timothy 3:14-15 “But as for you, continue in what you have learned… how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.”
Being an example of sincere faith:
2 Timothy 1:5 “I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well.”
The responsibility to disciple children belongs not to a youth program or a Sunday school teacher… but to parents!
Because of this critical responsibility given to parents, children must be submissive and respectful so that this process can play out! It is for the child’s benefit, and the benefit of future generations.
And guess what, kids? The Lord Himself promises to bless those who honor their parents:
In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul rightly points out that this is the first commandment with a promise…
…that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.
This doesn’t just refer to how old someone will be when they die.
“Live long in the land” is a Hebrew expression that basically represents ‘the fullness of God’s blessing’. It’s about abundant life.
Everyone wants their life to be abundant and blessed by God, right? Here’s a practical place to start: honor your parents!
As one commentator put it, that word ‘honor’ is literally a heavy word. It’s the Hebrew word kaved, which is Hebrew for “heavy” or “weighty” (Ryken).
It is the same word the Old Testament uses to describe the weighty, majestic glory of God.
So, to honor our parents is to give due weight to their God-given position.
It is to give them the recognition they deserve. It is to respect, esteem, value, and prize them.
How far does the fifth commandment extend?
This is where things get interesting…
First, the obvious: It’s notable that the command includes both fathers and mothers.
Even though spiritual leadership responsibility is given especially to the fathers, there is equal honor due to mothers.
By the way, this part of the commandment automatically rules out same-sex marriages. It’s just assumed that a biblical family unit will be composed of a father and mother.
But let’s broaden the circle even more…
Lest we think the command stops at young children, consider that the Bible also calls us to look out for our parents in their old age, and provide for their needs.
A similar use of the word ‘honor’ is found in Proverbs 3:9 when it says, 9 Honor the LORD with your wealth and with the firstfruits of all your produce;
In other words, one of the ways we show honor is by offering provision.
When our parents get old, the Lord is calling us to honor them by providing where possible.
In the New Testament, this responsibility to our elderly parents is ramped up even more:
Jesus openly criticized the Pharisees for going lax on this…
Mark 7:1–12 (NLT):9 Then he said, “You skillfully sidestep God’s law in order to hold on to your own tradition. 10 For instance, Moses gave you this law from God: ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and ‘Anyone who speaks disrespectfully of father or mother must be put to death.’ 11 But you say it is all right for people to say to their parents, ‘Sorry, I can’t help you. For I have vowed to give to God what I would have given to you.’ 12 In this way, you let them disregard their needy parents.
Paul, writing to his protege Timothy said this about those who call themselves Christians:
1 Timothy 5:8 (ESV): 8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
But the fifth commandment extends even further than this…
When we interpret the Ten Commandments, we need to apply what is called the “rule of categories”. According to the rule of categories, each commandment isn’t just to be taken at face value; it also represents a whole category of responsibility.
In other words, when we are told to honor our parents, that honor is to extend not just to our literal biological parents but to all who have authority over us.
The Israelites would have understood this, because they regularly used the term father for others outside the home.
They referred to their king as their father (1 Sam. 24:11)
They occasionally referred to prophets as ‘father’.
Their elders were honored as fathers of their people (Acts 7:2).
They would have naturally understood the fifth commandment as applying to all in authority.
The Heidelberg Catechism applies it well: that I show honor, love, and faithfulness to my father and mother and to all who are set in authority over me; that I submit myself with respectful obedience to all their careful instruction and discipline; and that I also bear patiently with their failures, since it is God’s will to govern us by their hand.
In light of this, it’s no surprise that when we get to the New Testament, we find specific commands for Christians to respect various types of authority.
1 Peter 2:13, 17 Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution… Honor everyone… Fear God. Honor the emperor.
Think about how broad this is… this would include teachers in school, coaches, police officers, lifeguards when they’re telling you not to paddle out…
Romans 13:1–3 (ESV): 13 Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. 3 For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval,
It’s notable that in Colossians 3, when Paul is giving rules of conduct for Christian households, he follows the commands for children and parents immediately with commands for bondservants and masters (which are basically employees and employers)
Colossians 3:20–24 (ESV): 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
This means when you as a Christian pay your taxes, respect the laws of the land, pray for those in governing positions, treat your employer with respect and honor (even behind their back!) and work hard at your job… you are effectively honoring God by obeying the fifth commandment.
Now… Are there limits to the fifth commandment? Are there times when we are to NOT obey authority, parental or otherwise? Absolutely.
Man’s authority never surpasses God’s authority in the life of a believer.
Whenever the commands of man come in conflict with the commands of God, we always submit to the Lord instead.
Think of the examples of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who were model citizens even under Babylonian captivity… but when they were told to worship a golden image instead of the Lord, they brazenly refused.
Think of the apostles’ example in Acts 5, when they were commanded by the governing authorities to stop preaching the name of Jesus… what did they say?
We must obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29)
Kids, let me be very clear:
If your parents ever ask you to do something that dishonors God, you must obey God rather than your parents.
For example:
If your parents ask you to steal, or cheat, or lie, or do something impure… don’t do it. Honor God first.
If your parents are abusive or mistreating you, you need to tell someone else in authority because that is not ok.
If your parents tell you to stop being a Christian or stop believing in Jesus or stop telling people about Jesus, don’t obey them.
But, you must still show them honor and be kind and respectful however you can.
A good example of this is the story of David and Johnathan, and how they still honored King Saul even when he was trying to do all sorts of bad things to David. (Read about it in 1 Samuel).
The other side to all of this is that those in authority have a God-given responsibility to exercise that authority well.
Parents, the burden of the fifth commandment is not just on our children; it is on us to teach our children to honor and respect authority.
We are to “bring up our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
This is why one of the qualifications for eldership within the church is that their children obey them with proper respect (1 Timothy 3). The burden of responsibility, especially when children are young, is on the parents to lead them well.
It grieves my heart when I see children openly disobeying their parents, talking back to them, running away from them when they are told to come, being loud when they are told to be quiet, and so on… because I know that it won’t stop there. They’re going to be the same way with their boss one day… with their future spouse… with their church leaders, and so on.
Parents, our children need boundaries, and they need consistent consequences when they cross those boundaries. That is how authority is learned… it is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.
Never discipline in anger… always in love… but DO discipline them. Whenever needed. This is loving.
Prov. 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
Prov. 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Heb. 12:5-11 “And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? ‘My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.’”
Eph. 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Prov. 19:18 “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.”
Prov. 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
Rev. 3:19 “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline, so be earnest and repent.”
There is one final layer to this commandment… and if you’ve been with us through the first four commandments, you know where this is going…
The fifth commandment, like all the others, is one that is impossible for us to keep perfectly. All of us, in one way or another, have broken the fifth commandment.
We have failed to show proper honor to our parents… we have failed to show proper honor to other authorities in our lives…
Those of us in authority have often failed to exercise our authority in a way that honors the Lord…
In this way, we are commandment breakers. And as such, we are deserving of the punishment that is due all commandment breakers… nothing less than the wrath of God.
The Bible calls commandment breaking ‘sin’. And it says “the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23).
But there is good news.
The good news is that there is One, and only One, who did not break the fifth commandment. There is One who perfectly obeyed every commandment, including this one.
He is the same one who turns the hearts of fathers to their children, as prophesied by Malachi.
He is the One who lived out perfect obedience by His sinless life.
He is the One who never dishonored His Heavenly Father, not even a little bit.
There is only One perfect child…
From the manger to the cross, Jesus perfectly kept the fifth commandment for us.
Even just before He died, He honored His earthly mother by asking his friend John to treat her like His mother (John 19:26, 27).
When Jesus died on the cross, He paid for our breaking of the fifth commandment (along with every other sin).
When He breathed His final breath, He cried out, “it is finished!”, which was a legal declaration that meant, “paid in full!”. The debt for commandment breaking has been paid by Jesus; there is no more bill to pay.
From now on, God accepts us not on the basis of how well we keep the fifth commandment, but on the basis of how well Jesus kept it––and all the others.
Have you failed to honor your parents, as a child or adult? Trust in what Jesus has done for you.
Have you failed to honor others in authority over you? Trust in what Jesus has done for you.
Have you failed to help your children honor you as their parents? Trust in what Jesus has done for you.
And trust in His ability to transform us from commandment breakers into commandment keepers:
Philippians 1:6 (NLT): 6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.